- September 24th, 2014 -


As part of a publishing package I recently purchased the publisher offered a review by one of the leading book reviewers in the industry. Normally you have to pay them an exorbitant fee for the privilege of having your book ripped to shreds by one of their reviewers, so for the few extra bucks it cost me, I figured I’d throw caution to the wind and go for it.


Let me remind you that as an ‘Independent Author’ I already suffer from inferiority complex syndrome and acute agent/publisher envy-itis (I’m not sure that’s a real pathology, but I’m sure you get the idea).

So after the book hit the net I waited anxiously for the big event. I completely ignored the great reviews that were posted by people who had actually purchased my book, read it and apparently enjoyed it. But they are only readers! What do they know? Professional reviewers, men and women who are paid to read books for a living, they’re the IMPORTANT audience authors like me need to impress.

The big day finally arrived when the professional weighed in. The review started out with an accurate summary of the plot and characters-so far so good I thought. I read on, the reviewer liked the pace of the action- pace and action are important elements that all good writers know are vital to hook the reader in. Then, without warning, like the when the Nazi’s attacked Pearl Harbor (I try to never miss an opportunity to quote a line from Animal House), the sniping began. “The characters are flat and one dimensional…” My characters flat and one dimensional? No way! I must not let them hear this. It will surely kill them. They’ll die from one dimensionality disease.

There’s more, “The conclusion was implausible and unsatisfying…”

My conclusion was like bad sex! If there’s one thing I’m certain of, my characters always have multi-dimensional and completely satisfying sex!

So much for professional reviews!